I’ll never make the same mistakes my parents made.
It’s the sentiment that shapes many of the choices of young parents today. Look no further than the rise of gentle parenting to see that younger parents want to have a different type of relationship with their children. Gen Z parents are more likely to use gentle parenting as a main approach compared to previous generations. However, there are some other sentiments that often pop up unexpectedly once we become parents. They are:
- I didn’t know parenthood would be this hard.
- I don’t know why I can’t bond with my child.
- Why am I so angry at my kids all the time?
- I never feel in control of my emotions.
- I hate that I depend on my child to fulfill my emotional needs.
Maybe you’re in the mindset of doing better. You’ve committed to never hitting your child, avoiding negative comments about your child’s weight or body shape, and letting your child know that you will always be a safe person when they need help. Like many parents who are motivated to not repeat the same mistakes their parents made, you may soon learn that generational trauma is a tough thing to outrun.
The truth is that making the decision to “do different” creates a lot more work for parents. However, the fruits of this commitment are incredibly rewarding. In this post, we’ll talk about the “work” of facing the reality that all parents bring past trauma into parenthood.
Why We Bring Our Wounds to Parenthood
For better or worse, the situation you grew up in is the only one you know. The human brain is wired for familiarity. That’s why we often find ourselves drifting back into familiar patterns that we actually want to avoid. Many people who felt “healed” of childhood trauma after entering the world as adults find that parenthood has a way of causing buried wounds to resurface. The stressors of parenthood can trigger the wiring in your brain that activates fight-or-flight instincts. For many parents, this can lead to anger, anxiety, or disassociation. It can feel like your body is doing auto-pilot behaviors that are in opposition to your parenting values and ideals.
Unhealthy Dynamics From the Past Can Shape the Way You Feel and Act as a Parent
For many younger parents, it’s impossible to shake deeply embedded family dynamics. They struggle to understand how to honor boundaries and roles within a family unit. See if any of these issues seem familiar:
- You feel angry all the time. You lash out with rage, frustration, and emotional immaturity when your child does “normal” things.
- You struggle to bond with your child because no parental authority ever formed a healthy bond with you. Closeness and intimacy terrify you.
- Your anxiety is causing you to be overprotective.
- You feel victimized by your children. While it’s hard to admit, you view “normal” childlike behaviors as aggression toward you.
- Seeing your child brings back triggering memories of your experiences at that same age. As parenthood retraumatizes you, you find yourself emotionally regressing.
- You feel uncomfortable being “in charge” as a parent. You may have reached a point where your kids don’t respect your boundaries because you do not feel comfortable being an authority figure due to the fact that you were never allowed to have a sense of agency as a child.
Embracing Good Parenting Qualities Without Perfectionism
One common source of distress among younger parents is a feeling that they’re failing when they don’t handle situations perfectly. Their deep concern for their child’s mental health causes them to scrutinize anything that can be viewed as a misstep. This can lead to a greater sense of disconnection. After all, your child doesn’t benefit from seeing you “beating yourself up” over your mistakes. They simply need you to be present, connected, and willing to try better next time.
How to Become the Type of Parent You Were Born to Be
The right approach to stepping into empowered parenting can different based on the level of trauma involved in your own childhood story. In many cases, a healthy dose of reparenting yourself may be needed. This mode of therapy involves nurturing and protecting your “inner child” to feel safe enough to step into your adulthood. Other therapy options might include art therapy, trauma therapy, grief therapy, or EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).
The most important thing is finding a therapist offering support and mental health services near you. At Bloom Therapy, we offer virtual and in-person therapy in PA. It’s easy to speak with a therapist now! Let us help you embrace parenthood! Book a consultation today to explore talk therapy and EMDR.
